Why Changing Our Habits Feels So Hard
And what to do about it…
On the Mel Robbins podcast, coach and author Steve Magness once observed how much we all get in our own way. It's a theme that Brianna Wiest tackles brilliantly in her book The Mountain Is You — and anyone who has ever tried to change a deeply ingrained habit will know exactly what they mean.
When you consider that our self-sabotaging behaviors are often decades old, encoded into deeply grooved neural pathways that have us responding to situations in predictable, automatic ways, it makes sense that change feels so hard. But when you look at it closely, self-sabotage is a habit. A deeply ingrained one, yes — but a habit all the same. Nothing more.
Why Habits Feel Like Identity
Over time, our habits accumulate into something that feels much larger than behavior.
Our mental and physical habits can help us or hurt us. For example, a self-sabotaging habit might look like acting politely toward people that have crossed our boundaries, or tending to procrastinate on important tasks, at our own expense. In contrast, self-serving habits might look like embracing eating healthy, whole foods, limiting alcohol consumption, and exercising regularly.
Whether positive or negative, our habits eventually dictate how we live and who we believe we are – our identity – and how others perceive us.
It starts simply enough. "I'm an early riser." "I'm someone who can't work without a deadline." Once a habit becomes part of how we self-identify, changing it can feel like self-erasure — a threat to who we are rather than simply an adjustment to what we do.
Neurologically, this is very real. Neural pathways that have been reinforced over years require less energy to activate — which is why procrastination feels effortless and getting started early feels like a threat. The brain encodes unfamiliar behaviors as danger, triggering the same fight-or-flight response as a tiger jumping out of a bush; and our brains can’t tell the difference. No wonder change is hard.
How to Change Your Habits
The key is to stay below the brain's threat threshold. Instead of attempting a dramatic behavioral overhaul, start with goals so small they're almost impossible to fail.
If procrastination is your pattern, don't commit to completing the project — commit to creating a folder for it. The next day, assemble the materials you already have. The day after, list who you need to speak with. Then topics to research. Then roles to assign. Then internal deadlines.
Each micro-step delivers a small dopamine reward that builds motivation for the next one. Getting started is almost always the hardest part — and once that barrier breaks, everything downstream tends to feel easier. Small wins compound. Progress is motivating in itself.
How to Use Setbacks to Your Advantage
Setbacks are not a sign that you've failed. They're a normal and expected part of any habit change process — and when examined, they're often an opportunity in disguise.
Setbacks provide valuable insights.
If you hit a zero day, resist the urge to spiral. Instead, get curious: What happened? Did you sleep poorly? Skip your morning walk? Miss a meal? The answer is data, not judgment.
Setbacks frequently reveal unmet needs you weren't aware of — more sleep, more water, more social connection, more movement. Identifying and addressing those needs doesn't just help keep your new habit on track — it improves everything else too.
Keep your reasons why front and center. Remind yourself of how far you've already come, how much the goal matters, and how it connects to your deeper sense of purpose. This knowledge and seeing it as a tool to help build your success will take your efforts to the next level.
A Final Thought
Habit change is not a test of willpower. It's a practice of patience and consistency — with your biology, with your history, and with yourself. The neural pathways that make change feel hard were built over years of repetition. New ones are built the same way: one small, deliberate choice at a time.
You don't have to overhaul your life overnight. You just have to take the next small step. Then the one after that. As Brianna Wiest writes, the mountain is climbed exactly that way — not in one dramatic leap, but one foothold at a time.