How to Stop Self-Sabotage: Overcoming the Upper Limit Problem
Few things hold us back more than our own beliefs.
If you can relate to that, take heart—you’re in good company. Every one of us carries limiting beliefs that quietly shape how far we’ll let ourselves go. Most of these beliefs formed early in life, long before we had the awareness to question them. They often reflect a childlike understanding of what was at stake—usually our caregivers’ love—which, to a child, feels like life or death.
These beliefs become deeply ingrained, setting the stage for what Gay Hendricks calls The Upper Limit Problem in his book The Big Leap. He defines it as this:
“When I reached my Upper Limit of how much positive feeling I could handle, I created a series of unpleasant thoughts to deflate me.”
How the Upper Limit Problem Shows Up
This phenomenon can appear in countless ways:
You don’t believe you deserve real success, so you procrastinate on a critical project.
You eat healthy for a few days, then sabotage yourself with a weekend binge.
Your relationship is going well, so you overload yourself with work until you’re too exhausted to connect.
Different actions, same result: when life starts going too well, we subconsciously pull ourselves back down to a familiar level of struggle or dissatisfaction.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Hendricks offers a powerful explanation:
“Once you make a commitment to inhabiting your full potential, your ego is suddenly faced with extinction.”
Ego Annihilation and the Neuroscience Behind It
Neuroscience helps explain why this happens.
Our Default Mode Network—the part of the brain that maintains our sense of identity (what we might call the “ego”)—perceives sudden growth, happiness, or success as a threat to its existence. When you surpass what feels familiar, your brain rushes to restore balance by creating anxiety, doubt, or distraction.
In short, we fear success and happiness because they challenge our sense of who we’ve always been.
Coaching and the Upper Limit Problem
As a health coach, I see this pattern all the time. Clients come to me wanting to change their habits—eat better, sleep more, stop procrastinating—but they keep hitting invisible walls.
When that happens, I help them look beneath the behavior. For example, if someone struggles with procrastination, I might ask:
“How does it serve you to postpone this task?”
“How would your life be different if you didn’t?”
Often, we also explore when that pattern first began. Understanding the origin helps loosen the grip of the belief that drives it. Once you see the why, it becomes much easier to change the what.
How to Confront the Upper Limit Problem
Neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Amen offers a helpful process for challenging automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), which can also be applied to limiting beliefs:
Is it true? Is the thought even factually correct?
Is it absolutely true? Can you be 100% certain it’s true in all cases?
How do I feel when I believe this thought? Note the emotions and sensations it triggers.
How would I feel without this thought? Imagine who you’d be without it.
Turn it around. Reframe it into a more empowering and truthful opposite.
Hendricks adds that the Upper Limit Problem stems from two forces: fear and limiting beliefs. Here’s how to work with each.
Confronting Fear
“Fear is excitement without the breath.”
Physiologically, fear and excitement feel the same: rapid heartbeat, adrenaline surge, sympathetic system activation. The difference lies in your brain’s interpretation—fear says danger, excitement says possibility.
Try deep breathing or shaking out your arms to discharge cortisol and remind your body you’re safe. With a few breaths, fear often transforms back into excitement—the energy of expansion rather than contraction.
Confronting Limiting Beliefs
Hendricks identifies four “hidden barriers,” the most common being one he calls Feeling Fundamentally Flawed.
Many of us carry a core sense of unworthiness that began in childhood—perhaps we believed a parent’s absence or criticism meant we weren’t lovable. Bringing this belief into the light is often enough to dissolve it.
Speak it aloud. Write it down. Share it with a trusted friend or coach. Once you hear the words, it becomes easier to see how false—and preposterous—they are.
Final Thoughts
Your Upper Limit isn’t a permanent ceiling. It’s a psychological thermostat that can be reset. Every time you notice yourself self-sabotaging, pause and ask:
“What level of joy, success, or love am I afraid to let in?”
Awareness is the first leap. The rest comes from practice.
If you’d like support identifying and overcoming your own limiting beliefs, I’d love to work with you.